So… Multichoice Africa has announced the commencement of auditions for this year’s edition of Big Brother Naija. How you’ll pass the audition and get selected is your cup of tea, but should (in case) you make the final cut, this guide will teach you how to achieve success and become the reality TV star of your dreams.
Meanwhile, it is important to be conscious of the fact that success in Biggie’s House does not necessarily connote winning the grand prize, because history has taught us that winning the reality TV show is one thing, blowing (achieving commercial success) is another.
Also, we know that contents like this are supposed to be paid for, but because Christ paid it all and today is Black Saturday, we will just give you a 100% discount. So, in no particular order, here is a list of what you need to do…
Have an Amazing Body + Looks
The importance of a beautiful/handsome face in a reality TV show cannot be overemphasized. Add that to an amazing body shape and you’re one step closer to becoming a celebrity. Having an oversized pair of mammary glands have proven to be quite advantageous, so this might be the best time to get that implant. Start gyming. Start dieting. Work on your face too (Nobody likes a butterface). Get rid of those black spots and pimples. Look stunning and restrict airflows. Don’t say we dinnor tell you o.
Have an Attitude
Attitude is a two-edged sword. As we all know, a nice attitude will take you places. But a nasty and uncouth attitude has proven to do have the capacity to do more wonders, it works like magic. Be controversial. Be dramatic. You can even go the extra mile of getting disqualified, everything will still work together for your good. However, if you choose to be a nice person, please don’t be a simp. After what we endured last year, we don’t want to see another pant-washing nincompoop on our TV screens. Na beg we dey beg.
Tell a ‘Grass To Grace’ story
‘I am a product of grace’, ‘I came from the streets’, ‘I came from the gutters’, ‘I sold gala and zobo in traffic’.
These are the kind of words that should be coming out of your mouth. Like it or not, a grass to grace story sells, and you would want to capitalize on that. Emotional blackmail is a powerful weapon, wield it! Talk about how you battled with cancer and survived jaundice as a child. Talk about how you almost committed suicide. Throw in a little crocodile tears, voila! No go dull yourself o.
…For we wrestle not against flesh and blood but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness.
Life is a spiritual adventure and BBNaija is no different. Who says angels can’t manipulate voting results. Clear the backlog of your tithe. Hire prayer mercenaries. Visit your village. Ramadan is fast approaching, feed the poor. When you get to the BBNaija house, put God first – during diary sessions, during games and even if you get evicted. Remember if God is for you, nobody can be against you. With God all things are possible!
Be a shipper
A shipper in Big Brother Naija lingo is one who is romantically involved with another housemate. An affair might be all you need to achieve your dreams inside and outside the house. Find a promising housemate and attach yourself with him/her. Act all lovey-dovey. Do mummy and daddy stuff under the duvet. Statistically, a lot of viewers tune in for the romance, drama and midnight vibrations. Give them what they are paying for (without losing your cool of course). Who dey brrrr…..
Invest in solid PR
It was Falzthebadguy that declared that ‘even real talent, still needs promo’, the statement has indeed stood the test of time. An aggressive social media campaign and image-making will always be a wise choice. Hire social media influencers, print billboards, run giveaways. Solicit for votes while still promoting your brand and music/acting career. At every given opportunity talk about what you do, and how good you are at doing it. This might be the best time to launch a product or drop an EP. A word is enough for the wise.
Forget about ‘being yourself’
Yes, it is a reality TV show, but in reality Big Brother Naija is a game and should be taken as such. Don’t be too emotionally invested and attached to people and things. Don’t take things personally. Understand that everyone is playing a game and respect that. Have a gameplan. Be tactical. Go all out when necessary and hold back when you need to. Don’t be gaslighted. There’s a level playing ground, so play and let others play. Don’t mention…. What are friends for?
Well… We have done our part, the ball is now in your court. Sha don’t forget us when you start receiving Tesla stocks and Mercedes Benz as birthday gifts. A 7.5% cut will do (make we no go do pass ourself).